The need to forgive stems from an event that I perceive as painful. Forgiveness may be towards another person, myself, or even just the event or circumstance itself. It’s the event and the effects of the event that I may perceive as painful. When things, loved ones or relationships are lost as a result of an event, part of the process that follows is grieving. Grieving involves five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The important thing to understand here is that grieving is a process. It’s a healthy process… unless I get stuck in the process.
It’s important to recognize the distinction, and the connection, between forgiveness and grieving. The grieving process is painful, no doubt. But grieving in and of itself does not necessarily imply lack of forgiveness – it is simply experiencing and processing the loss. However lack of forgiveness will get me “stuck” in the grieving process. It will keep me cycling through the pain of the event over and over again, and to no avail because the event is in the past – it cannot be changed.
If for no other reason than enabling the grieving process, it’s important to forgive, in order to facilitate the grieving process, because it is the process of working through grief that allows me to heal, and it is the healing that allows me to move beyond the painful experience.