People have the mistaken idea that they can cause pain for the other party by withholding forgiveness. The only person that is effective for is someone who gives a hoot about the relationship. By seeking to cause pain for someone who cares places the would-be forgiver in the role of transgressor. There’s nothing spiritual or true about returning hurt for hurt. The truth is that forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver. Refusing to forgive is hanging on to the hurt, as if hanging on is going to do anything useful. Setting boundaries to prevent future violations is useful. Hanging on to the hurt is not.
I believe it was Buddha who said refusing to forgive is like taking a poison and expecting the other person to get sick. I say refusing to forgive is like holding a red-hot iron bar and waving it at the other person. The sooner I drop the iron, the sooner I can begin to heal, and the less damage the iron does to me. I’ve picked up almost-red-hot pieces of iron – I couldn’t see that it was red hot. I felt the vibration of the water in my skin boiling, I saw the white patch where the skin was singed, and experienced the long time that it takes for a deep burn to heal. The longer I held on, the more it hurt. Thank goodness for quick reflexes! I’ve also been spattered with molten lead. The lead wasn’t hot enough to boil the water in my skin, so it stuck – delivering the full load of heat into my skin. I still have scars from that incident that happened 50 years ago!